I am a jobless American. Yeah, I was one of those 2.6 million who lost their job in 2008. Take into account the 2.8 million jobs forecasted to be lost in 2009, and maybe you can understand how I’ve worked myself into a state of hopeless frenzy.
I was laid off after 11 years of service to the same company due to cost-cutting departmental restructuring and…oh fuck it, it’s a boring, clichéd story shared by, well, 2.6 million people. It has been 15 weeks since the last paycheck was deposited into my account (I have taken a part-time job as a barista for 9% of my previous salary…yeah, I did the math, but more on that later).
I am now living on a modest severance package and an even more modest 401k that I cashed in after it lost half its value. If I don’t find a job soon, in 4 to 6 months I will lose my home. 3 to 4 months after that, I will lose my car. My dignity was already repossessed sometime around Christmas and New Year’s.
I split my time on-line between reading about more job losses (40,000 on Friday), applying for jobs (approximately 80 to date) and researching painless ways to end myself (2 potential methods so far). I have had two interviews, and both told me I was overqualified for the position. How can you be overqualified if you want to do the work?
When this first began, I tried to see it as an opportunity. A chance to move from a career I fell into by happenstance to one of my own choice and design. An answer to a question I had never posed to myself. I would decide what work I feel passionately towards, what would leave a positive footprint in my world, and pursue that with the ambition of someone starting a new career. And to be honest, if I am going to have to learn to live on a smaller income, I wanted to find something that would satisfy a more personal motivation and fulfill me in a way more substantially than just being able to afford a lifestyle.
But where once there was hope, there is now a growing sense of more bad news to come, more to be lost, a rock whose bottom has still not been seen. Some days I am able to push this feeling back, to find little ways to smile. But there are also days when the only thing I am able to care about is my cat, how I will look after her if the worst comes true, or who will look after her if I am not able.
I never knew I could feel so small.
I was laid off after 11 years of service to the same company due to cost-cutting departmental restructuring and…oh fuck it, it’s a boring, clichéd story shared by, well, 2.6 million people. It has been 15 weeks since the last paycheck was deposited into my account (I have taken a part-time job as a barista for 9% of my previous salary…yeah, I did the math, but more on that later).
I am now living on a modest severance package and an even more modest 401k that I cashed in after it lost half its value. If I don’t find a job soon, in 4 to 6 months I will lose my home. 3 to 4 months after that, I will lose my car. My dignity was already repossessed sometime around Christmas and New Year’s.
I split my time on-line between reading about more job losses (40,000 on Friday), applying for jobs (approximately 80 to date) and researching painless ways to end myself (2 potential methods so far). I have had two interviews, and both told me I was overqualified for the position. How can you be overqualified if you want to do the work?
When this first began, I tried to see it as an opportunity. A chance to move from a career I fell into by happenstance to one of my own choice and design. An answer to a question I had never posed to myself. I would decide what work I feel passionately towards, what would leave a positive footprint in my world, and pursue that with the ambition of someone starting a new career. And to be honest, if I am going to have to learn to live on a smaller income, I wanted to find something that would satisfy a more personal motivation and fulfill me in a way more substantially than just being able to afford a lifestyle.
But where once there was hope, there is now a growing sense of more bad news to come, more to be lost, a rock whose bottom has still not been seen. Some days I am able to push this feeling back, to find little ways to smile. But there are also days when the only thing I am able to care about is my cat, how I will look after her if the worst comes true, or who will look after her if I am not able.
I never knew I could feel so small.
Shall we agree that just this once
I'm gonna change my life
until it's just as tiny or
important as you like
and in time, we won't even recall that we spoke
Words that turned out to be as big as smoke
like smoke, disappears in the air
there's always something smouldering somewhere
There was a time not long ago
I dreamt that the world was flat
and all the colors bled away
and that was that
And in time, I could only believe in one thing
the sky was just phosphourus stars hung on strings
and you swore that they'd always be mine
when you can pull them down anytime
Chorus:
I know it don't make a difference to you
but oh, it sure made a difference to me
You'll see me off in the distance, I hope
at the other end
at the other end of the telescope
There, there baby now, don't say a word
lie down baby, your vision is blurred
Your head is so sore from all of that thinking
I don't want to hurt you now
but I think you're shrinking
You're half-naked ambition and
you're half out of your wits
and though your wristwatch always works
your necktie never fits
Now its so hard to pick the receiver up
and when I call, I never noticed you could be so small
the answer was under your nose
but the question never arose
I know it don't make a difference to you
but oh, it sure made a difference to me
When you find me here at the end of my rope
when the head and heart of it finally elope
You can see us off in the distance, I hope
at the other end
at the other end of the telescope
Lyrics by Aimee Mann
I'm gonna change my life
until it's just as tiny or
important as you like
and in time, we won't even recall that we spoke
Words that turned out to be as big as smoke
like smoke, disappears in the air
there's always something smouldering somewhere
There was a time not long ago
I dreamt that the world was flat
and all the colors bled away
and that was that
And in time, I could only believe in one thing
the sky was just phosphourus stars hung on strings
and you swore that they'd always be mine
when you can pull them down anytime
Chorus:
I know it don't make a difference to you
but oh, it sure made a difference to me
You'll see me off in the distance, I hope
at the other end
at the other end of the telescope
There, there baby now, don't say a word
lie down baby, your vision is blurred
Your head is so sore from all of that thinking
I don't want to hurt you now
but I think you're shrinking
You're half-naked ambition and
you're half out of your wits
and though your wristwatch always works
your necktie never fits
Now its so hard to pick the receiver up
and when I call, I never noticed you could be so small
the answer was under your nose
but the question never arose
I know it don't make a difference to you
but oh, it sure made a difference to me
When you find me here at the end of my rope
when the head and heart of it finally elope
You can see us off in the distance, I hope
at the other end
at the other end of the telescope
Lyrics by Aimee Mann
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