Talkin' Bout a Revolution

I don't watch CNBC. I don't even consider it a real channel. It's 80% rolling tickers and bar graphs and 20% talking heads, and that's a visual aesthetic that gives me a headache. At best, CNBC is nothing more than the left-side of the front page of the Money section of USA Today, summarizing financial stories into compact little soundbytes, and doing so on a 24 hour loop.

But this morning I stopped mid-flip through the channels when I ran across an angry looking rich white man talking shit about me and doing his best Howard Beale on the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. I had not even had my first cup of coffee yet.

CNBC analyst Rick Santelli, of impressive futures trading and meager education, was reacting to President Obama's proposed $275b homeowner bailout plan. Rick's rant, with arms flailing, audience participation, and even a little spittle coming off his mouth, was such a golden nugget of on-air reporting that CNBC had to condense their rolling tickers to make room for 8 pundit boxes and hasn't stopped talking about it since..

So here's what Rick had to say (I mean shout), in a nutshell (I mean nugget shell):

"I have an idea – you know, the new administration is big on computers and technology. How about this president and new administration, why don't you put up a website to have people vote on the Internet as a referendum to see if we really want to subsidize the losers' mortgages or would we like to at least buy cars and buy houses in foreclosure and give them to people that might have a chance to actually prosper down the road and reward people that could carry the water instead of drink the water...How many of you people want to pay for your neighbor's mortgage that has an extra bathroom and can't pay their bills? Raise your hand."

Rick must have immediately known he had made the Network-esque leap from news reporter to newsmaker, because his ass was off the Exchange floor and in a studio seat within the hour. Back at headquarters and contributing to the news coverage of himself, he then went on to say:

"Don't give money to people whose history dictates they're going to fail into the future."

So according to Rick, I'm a loser, I'm going to continue to be a loser, and instead of possibly being the recipient of mortgage loan restructuring that will keep me in my home, my home should be bought in foreclosure using bailout money funded by my tax dollars and then gifted to someone with a better futures pedigree than me.

Did I get that right, Rick?

Here's my loser's pedigree, for Rick's reference-

I bought my house 14 months ago with a 720 credit score and 11 years of paycheck stubs from the same company. I did not finance a sub-prime mortgage, I financed a traditional 30 yr fixed mortgage. And I did not buy more house than I could afford. In fact, I was approved by several lenders to purchase up to $285,000 in home and hearth, but I responsibly bought only what I knew I could afford and found myself a nice little $116,000 place to call my own.

Nine months later I lost my corporate job, and four months after that, 2.6 million others had lost theirs as well. I cashed in what was left of my 401k, pooled it with my severance package, and hunkered down. I stopped eating out, recycled last year's fashions, traded in my new Jetta for a used Hyundai, and even downgraded my Netflix subscription. I took a part-time job as a barista (to keep a little money coming in), and a full-time job looking for a new full-time job. And let me tell you, Rick, when 2.6 million people lose their jobs in one year, a fucking minimum wage job pulling espresso shots and making skinny lattes becomes something coveted, even to those of us who were making ten times that salary before.

I tried to sell my house, but two things happened-

1. Credit froze when banks took bailout money but wouldn't lend any of it,
2. My $116,000 home was valued at approximately $93,000 less than a year after I bought it.
   

Since I didn't have the $23,000 to cover the difference between what my house cost in '07 and what is was worth in '08, I took it off the market and paid while I could. When the balance alert in my accounts started to take on an amber tint, I contacted my lender, wrote the humiliating "hardship letter" and was granted a three month forbearance.

This week, two months into my three month forbearance, I got a new job. A professional position and a great opportunity, but it is not a corporate job. My salary will be 51% of what I was making before, and I am happy for every cent of it. But every cent of it will still not be enough to pay the mortgage, the car payment, auto insurance, student loan, gas, electric, sewer, water, phone, and silly little luxuries like food for my cat and myself, and gas for the car so I can drive to my new job and make this money.

But I am a loser. Because of this setback in my income, Rick has decided that my future is not one worth trading in. And Rick must know, after all, he is one of those people who turned a hustle into a paycheck by speculating on the futures of things. How's that working out for you Rick? The last time I checked, the future of futures trading wasn't looking all that bright.

I'm not an economist. I don't have a degree in finance. And I suspect Rick doesn't either, or else his CNBC profile would be a little less vague than just saying he holds a B.S. from The University of Illinois, Urbana. But it seems to me the mess that was the sub-prime meltdown led to foreclosures which started the housing crisis, contributed to an already unstable economy with problems of its own, and now we have foreclosures leading to less spending, leading to job cuts, leading to even less spending and more foreclosures, leading to more job cuts and on and on the fuck on...

But no to Rick. To him it's as simple as winners and losers. Lost your job? You're a loser. Didn't get a job because there were over 200 applicants for one position? You're a loser too! Lost your money to Madoff? Formerly Rich Loser! Can't pay your mortgage this month because your tax refund came in the form of an IOU? LOSER!!!

Explain this to me, Rick. My history of good credit, stable employment in successive positions, and just generally paying for my shit on time dictates to you that I'm a risk to be written off? I should not even bother trying to work with my lender to get a lower interest rate, restructure my loan from 30 years to 40, or have the gall to ask that it be refinanced at actual market value, all so I can afford to stay in it on my new salary? No need to do whatever I can to hold onto the one part of the American Dream I decided to chase, because you think my home should go to someone who looks better on paper than I do? Step out of the studio and into the light, Rick, because no one looked better on paper than me when I bought this house. Asshole.

Maybe if I'm lucky under Rick's plan, after bailout money is used to take my home from me, the new owner will rent a room to me and let me store my things in the basement. But then again, I'll have a foreclosure on my record and a bad credit rating, so that's probably too much to hope for. Since my future is obviously so bleak, maybe Rick would also like to propose using bailout funds to settle my $34,000 in student loans and then give my degree to someone who's better predicted to make use of it? After all, losers don't need pieces of paper to tell them they're losers.

And we don't have much else to lose.

You do know how things ended for Howard Beale, don't you Rick?